2 Years Later

2 years later since you left us Martin. My grief is changing and I question why I feel the way I do. Why Am I not debilitated by losing you every day? Why does my loss not effect me like your Mothers does? Why do I refuse to be totally destroyed by your Suicide? Why don’t I just suffer daily like others who have lost? Did I think grief would change as time passed us by?

This is how I have chosen to respond to grief and it’s call to loath myself and dwell in the depths of pain. When the emotional dust has settled down, this is how I try and see my grief story now. The time it takes to how you come to accept what has happened depends on you.

The reality of our Suicide story is that my son Martin was fighting illnesses that built up to overwhelm his resilience to cope. Alcohol dependency ,Diabetes type 1 and depression there were other factors to add to this perfect storm of self destruction.

None of these issues can be changed now they are history! There is nothing I or anyone else can do about them. My response to this is what can I change about my grief story? Will I wake up everyday of the next 30 years of my life and be totally devastated about losing my Son? No I will not, what I can change is what I do next. By that I mean how will react to the next grief emotion when it comes! I know it will come and I expect it will continue as long as I live! I don’t want to endure 30 years of grief torture ,everyday going down the same rabbit hole of questions and feelings and thewhat ifs!

I know that I love my Son Martin. I know that he loves me. That will never change as long as I live.

When I get the grief I surround it with my emotion of Love for my Son, I refuse to allow the feelings of loss, guilt, what ifs to come into my mind. I remind myself that I cannot change this history ,I can only change how I react to that history and I choose to surround it with our shared Love. I have found that this helps me immensely with my sadness and grief emotion. It has took time to develop but I am seeing it helping me with how I go forward with life without him.